Being a “Stay at home Dad” is way different than being a “stay at home Mom.”

The dynamics between men and women are truly an interesting area of discussion and exploration. Woody Allen has made a career of exploring that area of human experience. For better or worse, I’m not Woody, but I feel of late that being a stay at home dad really jumps at the heart of the roles of men and women.
I am a good father. I know that, and to be frank, it’s really one of the only jobs I’ve every wanted to be good at. I’ve got a long way to go in this role, but I do feel like I’m doing a good job overall.
I am clearly an oddity here on Oahu, and as I’ve come to believe and have been told by several of my respected counterparts of the female persuasion, I’d be an oddity back home in Jersey too. The ladies at Gymboree have accepted me, and after a few weeks seem to genuinely like me. One of the instructors praised me glowingly in front of the Baby’s music class a few weeks ago, saying among other things, that she “really commends me” for not only supporting my wife’s career but to have committed to caring for all three of our kids and not being afraid to “get out of the house.” I can’t tell you what that meant to me, and I thanked her later and she said, “you’re doing a great job.” That meant a lot, as that is a person who’s seen me operate in this role, and I really appreciated her perspective.
That said, I have not, nor I guess should I expect to be invited to any playdates since we arrived. This is not unexpected, as I have played the following scene out in my mind long before we moved here, staring the Nice mother from Class/gymboree/park, (we’ll use Gymboree for example sake) and her husband:
Nice Mother: Hey honey, I met this great guy at Gymboree! He was really nice and he’s a stay at home dad for his three kids!
Her husband: What?
Nice Mother: Yeah, I was thinking that I should have him over for a playdate!
Her husband: um, another guy here while I’m at work? Um, No.
And in all honesty, I can’t say that I’d react any different in that situation.
Now, to be frank, I know that most women would not bring this conversation home to their husbands. They don’t see me as a viable option when it comes to generating connections for their kids. It’s disappointing to me, but I suppose it’s to be expected when one considers the fact that the “stay at home Dad” is not only an oddity, it’s a flat out rarity, and most people don’t know how to respond to the fact that I’ve chosen to be at home with my kids. I’ve actually had someone say to me, with a look that would freeze water, “are you here to pick up women?” I was really there so my kids could play. Overall, I hope that I can develop enough of a rapport with people that they might allow our kids to be friends without worrying that I’m a guy. I am more in love with my wife every minute that I breathe, so they really don’t have to be concerned, but I guess I should not expect anyone to bother to talk to me that long to figure that out. There are several “mom’s” groups here, one of which the Wife has gone to. But I am kind of alone here in my own regard.
Hawaii is a strange place. Before we moved here, we came here three time: twice to see the wife’s sister and her husband (he is a Marine who was stationed here and is headed soon to Iraq as a reservist) and once to look for a house here after we had decided to move. On all three of those visits, we were essentially tourists. And we were treated as such. Treated well and the Aloha spirit was well represented.
Now, we live here. We are not tourists, and in all honesty, to many here, we are not welcome. There are people in our little development that I’ve tried to speak to, who have responded with a blank stare. As though I’d not spoken. It makes me think that the Aloha Spirit seems to really only apply to people who are here short term. An odd perspective as a truly small percentage of the population can claim to be native to this state. I won’t dive into my thoughts on that issue today.
Overall, the pace here has been a definite positive to us and our family life. We are together on Friday and Saturdays, and that has been amazing. That alone, with perhaps the fact that I’m home more, has made all the difference in our family life. And, as that’s what this was supposed to be all about, I welcome it.
I hope that we can make friends, but in the end, this move was as much about coming together as a family, and about being thankful for the blessings that we have, as it was about the Wife’s work.
I’m not yet the Dad I want to be. I’m working on it. I appreciate so much more the work that the Wife and our cast of characters back home did for us.
I’ve learned that the next step in my life is really yet to be determined. So, stay tuned.