I can’t do it all. Of course, no one can, but I can really only speak for myself right now. My family and I have been through a pretty challenging time of late in dealing with a medical/learning issue with one of the children. I’m not going to get into specifics here, as it’s personal to my child and not appropriate for this space. Feel free to ask me privately if you wish. In the interest of understanding, we are seeking an IEP for one of them, and the process of getting to this point has been at times exceedingly difficult, including a very difficult meeting yesterday at the school. But we are where we need to be at the moment.
In preparing for the meeting yesterday, I called on every bit of experience and knowledge I have from my former career in education. I spent hours doing research and practiced many of the things I was to say out loud and in my head in the days leading up. It was a difficult meeting but the school agreed to begin the process with us, and it would seem that our hard work as a family, through copious amounts of testing and medical appointments, occupational therapy, and all of my preparation for the actual meeting, had paid off.
And it did. But it almost didn’t. It was a fight, tooth and nail, the whole way. I almost failed, and that would have really been unfortunate. So, the extra time I put into preparation was worth it, especially the three hours I spent in the library yesterday morning researching and further organizing my materials. It was time well spent. When I entered the meeting, I felt ready. I was ready. When it was over and I left, I felt like I had been in a 90 minute fistfight. I most certainly got my dander up and fought like hell for my kid. I would do nothing less for my family.
But it almost wasn’t enough. Fortunately, at this point it was, but this is by no means the last meeting of this kind we will have. There will be more and some of them have the potential to be contentious as well. I am grateful to the school for the support they have shown and hope it continues. But I almost wasn’t good enough.
And that leads me to a real reflection and accounting of my life as it is right now. I am a full time parent and caretaker of our home and family. I am now also moving into the role of full-time advocate for the specialized needs of one of my children. Truth be told, one of the other ones may end up needing the same level of advocacy in the coming years, but thinking about that hurts my head right now. So, between full-time parenting and housekeeping and advocacy, and trying to exercise and take care of myself so I’m around to advocate and care for them, I’m realizing that something has to give. And that will be my aspirations to become a published writer.
I imagine no great gnashing of teeth, but it’s a small loss for me nonetheless. While it has long been a dream of mine to write a good novel and share it with the world, and to be interviewed by Terry Gross on NPR, and so forth, I think it’s time to shelve that dream. Maybe I’ll write for fun on occasion, but I think the time has come for me to abandon this aspiration, of acting like a working writer, and realize that my talents and abilities are needed on other things. My attention needs to be on my family. If I had spent yesterday morning hammering out the rough draft of chapter two, I would have failed my child. I would not have been ready. Fortunately, my head and heart were focused.
Being a good father has long been my greatest aspiration. I’m not exactly where I thought I would be at this point in my life, but I’m in a good place. Perhaps I’ll get back to trying to write novels when they are older. But I simply can’t do it and meet the needs of my family and of my own health. There aren’t enough hours and something has to give.
I think I’ll always write and in turn, perhaps putting the fiction away may open me up to write in this space more again. Perhaps that’s a good thing, I don’t know. Not sure it’s all that important right now, but we will see. In the end, my aspirations were mine and they are mine to put aside, so I’m going to stop pretending I’m a writer waiting to happen. Perhaps someday, but not today. Today, I’m going to be a Dad who gets things done and cares for my family.
And perhaps I’ll get back to the gym too. I’m going to need to have my game face on for the foreseeable future.
In preparing for the meeting yesterday, I called on every bit of experience and knowledge I have from my former career in education. I spent hours doing research and practiced many of the things I was to say out loud and in my head in the days leading up. It was a difficult meeting but the school agreed to begin the process with us, and it would seem that our hard work as a family, through copious amounts of testing and medical appointments, occupational therapy, and all of my preparation for the actual meeting, had paid off.
And it did. But it almost didn’t. It was a fight, tooth and nail, the whole way. I almost failed, and that would have really been unfortunate. So, the extra time I put into preparation was worth it, especially the three hours I spent in the library yesterday morning researching and further organizing my materials. It was time well spent. When I entered the meeting, I felt ready. I was ready. When it was over and I left, I felt like I had been in a 90 minute fistfight. I most certainly got my dander up and fought like hell for my kid. I would do nothing less for my family.
But it almost wasn’t enough. Fortunately, at this point it was, but this is by no means the last meeting of this kind we will have. There will be more and some of them have the potential to be contentious as well. I am grateful to the school for the support they have shown and hope it continues. But I almost wasn’t good enough.
And that leads me to a real reflection and accounting of my life as it is right now. I am a full time parent and caretaker of our home and family. I am now also moving into the role of full-time advocate for the specialized needs of one of my children. Truth be told, one of the other ones may end up needing the same level of advocacy in the coming years, but thinking about that hurts my head right now. So, between full-time parenting and housekeeping and advocacy, and trying to exercise and take care of myself so I’m around to advocate and care for them, I’m realizing that something has to give. And that will be my aspirations to become a published writer.
I imagine no great gnashing of teeth, but it’s a small loss for me nonetheless. While it has long been a dream of mine to write a good novel and share it with the world, and to be interviewed by Terry Gross on NPR, and so forth, I think it’s time to shelve that dream. Maybe I’ll write for fun on occasion, but I think the time has come for me to abandon this aspiration, of acting like a working writer, and realize that my talents and abilities are needed on other things. My attention needs to be on my family. If I had spent yesterday morning hammering out the rough draft of chapter two, I would have failed my child. I would not have been ready. Fortunately, my head and heart were focused.
Being a good father has long been my greatest aspiration. I’m not exactly where I thought I would be at this point in my life, but I’m in a good place. Perhaps I’ll get back to trying to write novels when they are older. But I simply can’t do it and meet the needs of my family and of my own health. There aren’t enough hours and something has to give.
I think I’ll always write and in turn, perhaps putting the fiction away may open me up to write in this space more again. Perhaps that’s a good thing, I don’t know. Not sure it’s all that important right now, but we will see. In the end, my aspirations were mine and they are mine to put aside, so I’m going to stop pretending I’m a writer waiting to happen. Perhaps someday, but not today. Today, I’m going to be a Dad who gets things done and cares for my family.
And perhaps I’ll get back to the gym too. I’m going to need to have my game face on for the foreseeable future.
7 comments:
Kugs-
Don't beat yourself up. I truly believe once you bring kids into this world- it no longer is your time to dream and really aspire. It is your goal to help them along in this world. Your time will come back around again. Until then, continue to write (as this is your passion) but don't put so much pressure on yourself. Love, Allisom
Putting your dreams on hold is a difficult situation. Being there for your children is the most important thing fir them. It's a thankless job being a caregiver, but in the end your children will be greatful that you put forth the effort.Maybe this whole experience will lead you writing something helpful for another parent going through the same situation that you are going through now. Stay strong and if you ever need to vent, feel free!
As a parent of 3 kids with special needs I feel your pain! Those meetings are crazy but in the end they will help your children and hopefully the staff and teachers at their school will be cooperative. I have one with Asperger's and ADHD, one ADD and another with ADHD with speech and processing disorders. IEP's and 504 are common terms in my household. If you have any questions or just want to vent send me a note anytime!
Hello my writing brother,
I used to teach special ed in a past life, and I feel your pain. You did what you had to do, and it looks like it came out right for now.
If you can't write the novel, but still want to write, what about things like flash fiction? One hundred word stories, that kind of thing. I don't have too much experience in that field, but it seems like it would be perfect for you.
Keep your chin up, let us know how it goes.
NO ONE can do it all. At least not perfectly. It's tough to give up on your dream, but you are being a good dad in focusing on what your kids need at this time. Helping them now will make a huge difference in the present and in their futures since, as you well know, you can't get this time back.
However, that doesn't mean you have to give up completely on your dreams. If you really feel like writing is your desire AND calling, it may simply be not at this time. Or it may not be on your terms. I.e., you might be able to sneak in an occasional page or so once a week. Sometimes, nothing for a month, but do not be constrained by this schedule you have set up before where writing is a part-time job that you do when the kids are quiet or out of the house. But if it's something you can happily take up when an unexpected free hour presents itself, it's a great gift to you.
Regardless of your approach, you should be pleased that you are selflessly choosing what you feel best for your kids even when it means putting aside your wishes. That's what a good parent does, and that's who you are.
I'm sorry to hear you've had to put your dream on hold, but I think you have made the right decision. You have your priorities in the right order. Some day your kids will be grown and out of your hands; now is the time for you to be their advocate, and later can be the time you will invest yourself in your writing.
Thank you all for your comments! I can't express how much I appreciate them. New column up at the top of the page-hope you enjoy that one!
Aloha!
Post a Comment