Almost a year later: My Eulogy for my Mother, March 2014

My Mother passed away March 10 of last year.  I wrote and delivered this Eulogy for her that week.  As I go through my notes on the year and the things I've written, I feel like it's time I shared this. My next column will be a reflection on having written this, so it felt like a good thing to get out there. 

If you’ve ever had a conversation with me, you’ll understand why it is rare that anyone offers me a microphone.  That said, one of my mother’s favorite things to say at church was, “If you can’t say it well AND under ten minutes, you probably shouldn’t be up there talking.”  So, I’ll do my best to honor that today.

I remember as I was writing the eulogy for my father when he passed away in 1990 and was having trouble getting started.  Mom told me that whatever it was I was going to say, much like the service itself, wasn’t really for the person who died-it was for everybody else.  She also told me not to overthink it too. 

 

Mom faced a lot of challenges in her life.  She faced challenges in her youth, then later dealing with the loss of her first child, our sister Patricia, at a very young age.  Losing our father very young as well and being left alone as a parent to deal with my sister and I-as a parent and a spouse myself, I cannot imagine the reserves it took to endure any of that.  But, she did it.

 

Mom was not one for leaving things unsaid.  If she had an opinion, and she always did, it’s likely she would share it with you early, often, and whether or not you had asked for it.  At the heart of that though is one of the things she taught me.  As dad was dying, she encouraged me to be honest and direct with my friends and my family about what I was feeling and needing and to say whatever it was I needed to say to my father, whenever I could.  She said, “If you keep your relationships current and up to date with the people you love, then they never really go away.”  I recall that I used that exact line in my sister-in-laws wedding toast, which I was given a grand total of 42 seconds to prepare for… I know that the last thing I said to her was that we loved her and she said the same.  I’m grateful for that lesson as it helped me leave nothing unsaid with my father and I’m pleased to say that the same is true with my mother.  I’m glad we had these last few years with her here in Virginia where she had the chance to spend time with her grandchildren and made new friends here at St. Andrews and at Heatherwood. 

 

Mom was a complex person, and I can appreciate so much more now the intensity that she brought to the table when dealing with the challenges that we faced as kids.  Losing our sister so young was a tremendous loss, but life in our parents’ home was rarely dull.  We were encouraged to try everything and mom and dad were frequently shuttling us around to choir, play practice, swimming, baseball, horseback riding, basketball, youth group, and anything else we wanted to try.  There were the brief experiments with soccer, rowing crew and drum lessons too, but by the end, even my mom was making me walk to the Drum lessons…I wasn’t real good.  Listening to Friday’s with Frank (Sinatra…) on the radio and Family dinners with the radio on-occasional dance breaks if the Platters or Dion and the Belmonts or Sam Cooke came on.  Our home was permeated with music and I like the way that sits in my memory.

 

Mom was genuinely tough and she expected a lot of us as kids and expected as much if not more from the people who were our teachers and leaders.  I remember vividly in 7^th grade I was assigned a Comparative biography project.  I had to pick two historical figures and do a biography on both and a comparative study.  Social studies was my best subject at the time, and probably the only one I wasn’t getting phone calls from teachers about, so I was really excited.  As dad and I had just watched the PBS “Eyes on the Prize” documentary series about the Civil Rights Movement, he suggested that I compare Malcolm X, whose autobiography mom had me reading, and slave revolt leader Nat Turner.  I excitedly presented my idea to my teacher, who was appalled-promptly forbidding me from doing such an inflammatory project and sent me to the Principals office.  I knew the way…Sister Karina explained that my choices were not appropriate due to their “violent and controversial predilections.”  Having already discussed historical bias with my father, I said something rather snarky to my Principal which of course resulted in a call to mom, and as I recall, Sister did not need to look up the number.

 

After Sister explained her position on my paper and that she expected my mom and dad to support the school point of view, I could hear, across the desk, through the giant old style rotary handheld phone, my mom essentially lose her mind on Sister Karina.  “Are you kidding me with this?!  That’s IT!  You have gone too far this time, Sister.  You are absolutely NOT going to tell my child what he can or cannot read and learn about, especially in the one class he does well in!”  Sister tried to explain her opinion again, but I knew it was all over for her on this one.  I’d been on the other end of a few of mom’s ‘bestowing of opinions’ and I knew Sister didn’t have a chance.  I heard her through the receiver across the room, as Sister pulled it from her ear, “MY son is doing this report, and he’s going to nail it.  Maybe you’ll even learn something or so help me God, I will have the ACLU picketing your convent faster than you can blink!” 

 

I’d never heard anyone talk to a nun that way and it was by far my favorite trip to the principal’s office, though not my last.  I think on that every time I advocate for my kids.  She made sure I did a good job on that report too, and the teacher later even said that she was sorry about the whole thing.  Said she learned something.  I probably would have just done something else like Thomas Jefferson and Ben Franklin, but I remember that mom stood up for me and academic freedom that day, and I learned something too.  The ACLU was never called though.  But she would’ve.  Mom didn’t bluff. 

 

No story of my mother is complete without talking about Wildwood.  The Jersey Shore.  She and dad met and fell in love there and that beach has remained at the center of our family life.  Despite her Midwestern roots I think she definitely became a Jersey gal.  Dad was a lifeguard in The Crest and mom was a college freshman on her first summer away from Ohio.  She and her friend didn’t know that early May is not the usual weather to run to the water in one’s bikini, and Dad and his pal noticed them while working on the patrol jeep up at the guard house.  So, seeing, as he described, “two crazy girls sprinting to the freezing water…” he and his buddy jumped into action and drove the jeep down to warn them of the cold temperatures…and of course get their numbers.  Wildwood was our summer for pretty much every summer of my life and it remains a very large part of our present and future.  If you’ve ever seen the lines out the door at Lobster House, where she and Aunt Karla used to be servers, much as I am now, you might be amazed to know that we never once waited on line there.  She’d go to the host stand, drop a name or two as a former waitress, and we’d be seated immediately.  That was as VIP as we got but it worked.  And she made that happen every time.  I’m pleased we had the chance to take her and the whole family last summer.  It’s truly a magical place and will remain so for us.

 

Mom was very proud of my sisters accomplishments.  She really enjoyed telling her friends to tune into the network when my sister had a new piece running.  She was particularly proud of her work with the Saratoga War Horse project.  Enjoyed bragging about her Emmy award winning daughter.

 

Heidi reminded me of a story from her bridal shower where Mom, who had fallen in love with the “Froggy Boots” from Restoration Hardware, had blurted out, during the shower that Heidi and I needed to “Get going on bringing me some grandkids-I need to buy Froggy boots!”  She adored her grandchildren and I know that she was never more pleased than when showing them off to friends or bragging about their accomplishments:  Boyo promotion to Red Belt in Tae Kwon Do; J-Bird being twice selected to be in the Pyramid Art show; The Bear also making the Pyramid show and performing with her scout troop at Heatherwood.  These are just a few of the things that she really enjoyed and I’m glad we had the chance to share the amazing people that our children are with my mother.

 

Trimming the tree for Christmas and Midnight Mass on Christmas Eve.  Nights when she’d feel inspired to talk about the old days, and people she’d loved-my father, her mother and brothers, Daddy Pop and my Grandpa Kugs.  Patricia.  When mom got in a story groove it was fun to experience.

 

When I ended the eulogy to my father, I said, “From where I stand, the sun is still shining.”  I’d like to think that one still applies, but I was 17 at the time.  As I end here today, hopefully a little wiser and maybe just a little older, I have two lines that are sticking with me.  They are both ones I learned when we lived in Hawaii.  The first is: Kulia i ka nu'u.  It means, “strive for the summit.”

Every time I have been faced with a challenge over the last several years, regardless of what arena of my life that challenge came from, I think of that.  Strive for it.  Even if you fall short, I think, you’ve strived…and I think that really matters. 

And the other is far simpler. And it is “A Hui Ho” and it means “until we meet again.”  Whatever else my mother is, was and may be, she has left this life, and she will be missed.  So, I say Aloha, which my children know means both Hello and goodbye, and to their grandmother, and our mother, I say Aloha, and A Hui Ho. 

Cleaning out the queue: Things I didn’t know at 20, but know now, sorta

I started this column last July.  I’m cleaning house today, so I’m going to finish it and post it and then move on to the other ones I’ve not finished. 

July 17, 2014: I’m getting awfully close to another birthday.  That, and the kind of year that we’ve had has me feeling reflective again.  It’s not a rare occurrence mind you, but it’s been difficult to find both the time and the motivation to write.  But, my pal over at the “Moving Girl” blog ( http://azdenek.wordpress.com/ ) has inspired me to get back on the horse so to speak.  Not that I have a horse or anything. 

Sorry-I have a very, VERY, literal child in my house.  I’ve been working on keeping things rather direct.  I fail a lot.  That said, I’ve been thinking a lot about change and how it constantly affects our lives-sometimes because we wish it-say, making a change to leave a job that’s rapidly destroying you to become a stay at home parent.  Other times when we face change we didn’t wish to entertain such as the loss of a loved one: we’ve faced that one a few times in the last year both to death and to other modes of choice and adjustment.  But the change keeps coming and we deal with it.  Change requires flexibility and being open to new possibilities or sometimes just simply being forced to accept what it.  That is a challenge for everyone in my house, as I imagine it is in yours, and the nature of that challenge is rather unique to certain members of our family.  That said, I feel like we are in a good place now and learning a lot about how to navigate the world around us and the particular challenges that we face.

And yet, I find my thoughts reaching back into the past-for some reason 20 years seems to be popping into my head.  That would put me back at COW, about to enter my senior year.  My future wife graduated that May and was off to BU for grad school.  I had completed my Junior year Independent Study Project and was hoping to ride it’s coattails into my Senior year project.  I spent the Spring celebrating those successes and Nelson Mandela’s inauguration as President of South Africa.  I spent the summer working at the post office and glued to the radio and TV following the circus that was the OJ Simpson Trial.  I was irritated that baseball had a strike that ended the season just a year after the 1993 Phillies had been such a fun season to experience, despite its awful end.  I still hate Joe Carter.  I forgive Mitch though.  I probably seemed a pretty normal 20-year old, though we all know now, well, at least I do, that I was still processing some serious issues that would continue to be a challenge for years to come, but I was working hard in school and earning money over the summer and in a stable relationship with the girl I would marry.   

But, I thought very differently about things than I do now.  How so?  Let’s explore that…

1)      I’m a way different parent than I thought I would be at 20. 

I knew I wanted to be a parent back then, but I knew very much that I was not ready to do it anytime soon.  I don’t know how I knew that, but being a parent now, I get it.  I was way too self-involved in those days.  I was a mess too and probably at least partially a complete asshole at times, but I was very much into being the “singer-songwriter guy” on campus and in clubs in New Hope, Philly, and Princeton over the summers.  I was very much about that dream at the time and played a lot of shows, not all of them awful I’d like to think.  If you asked me then about the kind of parent I thought I’d be, it would have been “I would want to relate to them and be their friend-obviously I’d be way cooler than all their friends parents.”

 

*Picking up now on 3-8-15:

Now I realize that type of parenting is not for me.  I never would have imagined being a stay at home dad back then.  I was too busy planning my speeches for the Grammy Awards and figuring until then I’d try to be Mr. Keating from “Dead Poet’s Society.”  Yes, I did in fact once try the “Oh Captain, my Captain” thing with a class.  They had the politeness to look at me like a complete dork too, for which I now applaud them. 

I like to think I’m a good parent, but I most certainly not the sort I thought I would have been at 20. 

I think we’ll have a speed round here, as I’ve left myself a few piles of things to finish and the kids are at Kohls with the wife, so here goes-other things I know now that I didn’t know at the age of 20: 

2)      If you let the laundry pile up for a day, you end up with 5 loads to fold 2 days later.

3)      My parents probably knew about some of the dumb stuff I did as I kid and they just let it go out of both embarrassment for me and an desire to avoid awkward conversations.

4)      It matters more that I actually learned to do something at school than what my grades actually were.

5)      Making #4’s realization was the key to rocking graduate school.

6)      It’s easier to have one uncomfortable conversation with someone who’s wronged you than it is to carry that angst, even a little bit of it, within you for years.

7)      The Eagles still haven’t won a Super Bowl.

8)      I don’t need to hold onto every single notebook, note, letter, and other such bric-a-brac from 1^st through 12^th grade in order to have real memories of the time.  Had to downsize a few years ago…

9)      I’m glad that we did not have smartphones in Junior High and High School.  I’m sure we would’ve enjoyed them but yikes…what might have been caught on camera.  I’d still be grounded.

10)  It’s going to be ok.  I was full of anxiety and angst in those days, despite the pleasant musical styling's of Hootie and the Blowfish. 

 

If I could tell my 20-year-old-self that one thing, I think it would have been interesting.  But, the journey from there to there has been engaging and has made me who I am now, so I’ll take it, as, I’m pretty ok with it. 

Pretty much exactly where I want to be...

I haven’t written anything of substance since I wrote the eulogy for my mother some three months ago.  I wrote both the eulogy and then another thing reflecting on writing the eulogy, neither of which are going to be posted here at this time.  I will say though that I am grateful for the support of friends and family throughout the process of dealing with the death of my mother.  I have written about it, though as I said, I think that this space, whatever it is these days, is not the space for that.  The aforementioned eulogy and the subsequent reflection were, for me, rather difficult to write, and in all honesty, put me off writing at all for a while.  For whatever reason, I feel the itch tonight.

 

I think that I am exactly where I want to be.

 

If you know me even a little, especially from the old days, you might know that that is kind of a big deal for me to say.  I spent a decent amount of my life wondering what I was supposed to be and who I was supposed to be and where I was supposed to be and the like.  I spent a decent amount of years trying to figure that all out, as we all do as young people I imagine.  It just always seemed to be something I struggled with a lot and I looked for myself in any number of people, places, things and ideas.  There were good years and there were angst-filled ones, much I expect like the lives of most of us who are now looking at the other side of forty. 

 

That said, I find myself, after celebrating my fifteenth wedding anniversary, with the same young lady I’ve been with for since I was ninteen, as I look at the life we have built with our three amazing children, kinda just now growing wise to the fact that I just might be, exactly where I am not only supposed to be, be exactly where I always wanted to be.  And maybe I’m who I want to be too. 

 

I always wanted to be a Dad.  Always.  I always felt that call even as a young man at a school that encouraged otherwise, I always knew that I wanted to be a father.  I had a lot of jobs over the years, including dishwasher, lawn mower, deli clerk, sandwich maker, mail guy, lawn mower again, garbage man, tour guide, camp counselor, bartender, teacher, theater guy, teacher again, bartender, waiter, school administrator, waiter, athletic director, assistant principal, stay-at-home-dad,  waiter, bartender, waiter. 

 

I’m still kind of several of those things, but I am something else now which is difficult for me to admit as I think about it.  It’s something I’ve never really been, well, at least not something I’ve really admitted to you all or that many others in my life. 

 

I have always been afraid to say it.  I’m afraid to say it out loud since that might jinx it.  Saying it out loud might be the thing that heralds the big tragedy or something else bad happening.  There were times where I felt like saying it, felt like shouting it out to the world, and bad things did happen, perhaps coincidently, but maybe I jinxed it?  Some things that happened?  Well, my dad got sick.  My life changed.  That girl broke up with me.  I stood up for myself in a school district and I got shown the door.  I thought I was handling things well and wasn’t and all of the people that cared about me noticed and I couldn’t handle it and I lost them all.  I found work but they didn’t quite get me and I was kind of an ass about it.  I took things too seriously and made an ass of myself.  (I kinda did that one a lot.)  It always seemed like those things happened just as I reflected on my life and said something, but, what is it?  What is it I’m afraid to say? 

It’s really a number of things-it’s part “I’m ok” and it’s part “I’m good now” but in the end, and honestly, I feel some genuine nerves even typing this, as I worry that I am jinxing myself or tempting fate.  Honeslty, I do feel those nerves  but I’m going to say it.  Strap in.

 

I am exactly where I want to be.  And, I’m good.  And I’m ok.

 

Now, yeah, I’ve had a lot on my plate of late and am sometimes overwhelmed by the stuff we manage with the kids and their school stuff and activities.  I left a lot of drama behind when I started writing this blog as part of our move to Hawaii.  I left my old career and life behind and focused on family-being a stay at home dad and then finally realizing that I am a restaurant lifer.  But I think I’m good.  Yeah, I see a therapist now and then, but, seriously, for a $20 copay, it’s a bargain at ten times the price.  I’m fine with that as she seems to think better of me than I am naturally predisposed to do.  And there’s been a lot to manage with my mother’s passing and there is more to deal with still, but I’m doing my best.  And for the first time I can recall, that’s just fine.  I’m good.

 

And it’s fine for one reason.  I’m good and it’s all and manageable for one reason.  I am where I am, and I am exactly where I want to be and where I am supposed to be because of one person and her impact on my life.

 

I get nervous saying it and thinking it as so many other things I used to think and say, when they really mattered, ended up changing.  I suppose, if my thoughts and feelings and desires really could mold the world around me, I would have a very different life now than the one I have and I like the life I have.  The Eagles would have won at least one Super Bowl by now…

 

That said, I have the life I have because my wife chose me.  She came up to me in the dining hall and never allowed me to get away.  I was a hot mess back then, but she grabbed me and refused to let me go.  I still don’t know what she could possibly have seen in me but she saw something in me and almost 22 years later, she’s been proven maybe not right, but at least not totally off base as I’m not a complete waste I guess, and what’s more, I’m really, for the first time, really good with where I am.  I think I’m right where I want to be.

 

That’s still scary to even type for me, which in many ways why I think it’s important for me to write this now. 

 

It’s not always easy, but the kids gave me such joy today when they all played together for hours.  They all enjoyed being with one another and with some of the issues our children deal with, peace and togetherness can be a rather difficult to come by.  There were a few moments of loudness, but we didn’t need to intervene.  They managed.  The youngest was the driving force-she wanted to play with her older brother and sister.  I could feel it and they did too.  I don’t know how much time they have left where they will do that in quite the same way, but I think we have, amidst everything else, created a home where that kind of connection is really ok and good and encouraged and something to cherish.  I think we’ve created that.  I know they will have their conflicts but I want them to love one another.  I know they do that and when I see them actually like each other too, that’s a testament to what we’ve built here.  And when it’s good, it’s really, really good.  When it’s good there is nothing better anywhere.

 

And that’s the truth of all this-and I hope it all doesn’t fall apart because I’ve jinxed it, but we are here because my wife saw something in me that she liked and accepted and thought was good.  Regardless of who I was and who I thought I was, I’ve grown.  No small thing.  But I think I’m good here, where I am, and who I am, and what I am.  It’s scary to say.  I hope the sky doesn’t fall.  But if it does I know I’ve got the right people around me to try and hoist it back up again.

I must learn to do nothing.

It has been a very long time since I've written and there are a variety of reasons for that.  This summer has been incredibly busy, and while that's no excuse for not doing something that I love to do, writing in general has had to take a backseat to several other things that have simply been more important to date. 

Between therapist appointments, doctors appointments, camps,  working occasionally, trips to the Jersey shore, and various other activities and things to fill the time/void left by the end of school , we have been running ragged since the end of June.

I have started and shelved so many columns since my last one that it seems almost laughable that this was once a space that I used regularly to write about things. But, who doesn't love a comeback?

Among the many columns I have started and put away since my New Year's Eve column of last year, I have written about Wildwood, Aspergers , other things in our family life, the challenges of creating an IEP, and the challenges of working in a family that is in transition.  I reflected a great deal on my role as a parent especially in the light of having worked in education for many years.  I wrote about returning to teaching in the form of doing a Sunday school class at our church.  I came to some very interesting realizations about the importance of Wildwood, New Jersey and my life as a young person and how it changed as an adult and yet, is still more vital every day that I live.

Occasionally I worked on the novel and the other two  fictional projects that I have in the hopper, but I've never seemed to have the time to really focus on making them good.

From a life perspective the Boyo  was invited to join the advanced academic program for next school year. I was named volunteer of the month at their school during the month of March.  The girls are great artists and are enjoying reading the first Oz book with me. The wife, as always is awesome. 

I still enjoy my part-time job when I am able to get there, and I like very much the people I work with. 

I have reflected very very very very deeply on the fact that when I graduated college, I set out to change the world as a teacher, then became an administrator, then walked away from it all to be a stay-at-home parent.  But that is nothing new to readers of this space. 

I can't possibly catch up on everything that has happened or been worthy of writing about since New Years, but I do have something to say today and I hope that you will forgive me the foregoing of the absolute catch-up and allowing me to share with you what is on my mind at this exact moment.  Ironically enough, it really does lend itself to blending all of the things that I mentioned above that have been on my mind since last year.

By way of starting, I'm going to share with you something that I wrote in my journal in May while in Wildwood with the family for a few days. 

"It has been a long day, but sitting here with the sound of the ocean around after an overall successful day, it's hard to be irritated.  Everyone but me is asleep, and I've got
the balcony to myself and I can just make out the incoming surf in the distance. Oceanview does not stink.

I think Wildwood, and the Jersey shore in general means something different to me now than it did when I was a kid... I think that for me it has always been important but now, getting to our house in Wildwood when the wife retires is the ultimate goal-that she and I will get to retire here and grow old here and that we get to have that life that we've envisioned in that home.  That is the hope for the future, a life there... I know a lot of people see the beach, or the shore, or whatever their escape is as just that, an escape. But what I have found is that Wildwood for me now, while it is important to my family's past it is now my family's future and that means something different to me now as an adult.  

My children have fallen in love with Wildwood, in no small amount due to the fact that when we have gone there, we have kind of embrace the power of 'yes we can.'  I make no apologies for that.  There is a genuine and tangible future at work and in play for us and our family here in Wildwood, I hope it all happens as we have hoped."

Those were my thoughts when we visited back in May, and our visit again in July did absolutely nothing to change my particular feelings on the matter. 

That said, as I sat poolside here in Denver Colorado, tagging along with my wife on her work trip, I had some different thoughts about the way that we vacation, and perhaps something I missed in my recollections of Wildwood trips as a kid. 

Full disclosure: I am exhausted.  I have never felt this stretched thin in my entire life.  My household is one that is absolutely full of love, but there are daily challenges in terms of how we get along.  Based on our research about the medical issues we're facing, and the advice of our experts, it has often been our predilection to make things as structured and scheduled as possible, so as to limit the downtime or "boring time" so that there's as little room as possible for meltdowns. Sometimes, that has worked.

Another full disclosure, is that my wife and I have always prided ourselves on going on vacation, and not being "lazy. ". We always went out of our way to find out what was fun to do and what was interesting to see and we always had to have something on the agenda for the day while we are away, including are absolutely fabulous honeymoon and Ireland.  That's really kind of who we were, and while that is still very much an aspect of the way we like to travel, I learned something today during the two hours I sat by the pool here in Denver.

I woke up early and I did my workouts, and I had some breakfast, and then I looked at the day and figured I would go into the city.  I couldn't relax and I couldn't think of anything else to do so I figured I would go to the Denver Art Museum, but didn't bother even with all of my research to realize until I was standing in front of the locked door that they're closed on Mondays.  So, I decided to make a plan B and checked out one of the local craft breweries that I didn't see during last years semi exhaustive brewery tour of Denver.  You may remember, that last summer I put myself on assignment in both Indianapolis and Denver to write about many of the different craft breweries and filed a decent number of words and columns as a result. 

While I had a really good time being on assignment in Indianapolis and in Denver last summer, I realized something as I walked around Denver today looking for something to do: the activities that I was looking at and the things that I was doing were not doing the most important thing that I needed them to do in that moment, which was to help me relax and decompress from the incredibly difficult summer that we have had.  The Spring wasn't much better. I won't go into all of the details, but please be rest assured that we have been as a family nonstop traveling between activity to activity to appointment to appointment to destination to destination without the time so much as to sit down and take a deep breath.

When I was growing up, my family always used to have a hard time understanding why, when we went to the beach, even if it was just Island Beach State Park for an afternoon, I couldn't just sit and relax and enjoy the moment and breathe. I used to give them grief about that.   

While I still maintain that I do rather enjoy active trips where I am doing something and seeing cool somethings, I am disappointed that I didn't realize until this afternoon, after forcing myself to come back to the hotel and sit by the pool and listen to music and relax that i have a serious need to actually do/think about absolutely nothing for a while or I'm going to be worthless to my family. I watched clouds in the Denver sky change into different shapes, and didn't take pictures of them with my phone and post them to instagram, though that was partially because it was up in the room charging but I'd like to think I would've refrained otherwise.

I used to think that I was really capable of embracing the Hawaiian ideal of "no worries" and about living on island time. But I have learned that it's increasingly difficult living in a place like Northern Virginia where the case is beyond anything that I have ever experienced before.  I say "no worries" all the time, in conversation, and pretty much any other time I'm opening my mouth, but in the end there's a lot of worries and I think I need to learn how to deal with them in a more productive way sometimes-perhaps thats going to have to be by choosing to do absolutely nothing at all which I just may spend the rest of this time in Denver doing. 

My tan will improve at least.  But I need to slow down.  I'll try to write more. 

The Aloha Kugs year in review including why I don't apologize for marrying up.

Aloha again on New Year’s Eve.  I hope that this finds you and yours well as we once again stand on the precipice of a new year. 

It has been an interesting year, but a good one for us here in Kugs-ville.  It has had its challenges and difficulties, as I imagine all years have and will have, but I’d like to think as I look back, it was a good one more than it was not.

2012 really started for me on January 2, as that was the day I committed to get myself in shape and live a healthier life.  Along with a group of friends, we started a “Biggest Loser” contest over Facebook.  The results for me and my friends have been dramatic, and I lost over 80 pounds.  I ran six 5k races, did Insanity twice, and got rid of loads of fat clothes, as I’m never going back again.  The group has added members and done subsequent rounds (I came in third in round one) and has really become a source of support and inspiration for me all year long.  I’m happy to say that I am still living at a healthy weight, though I’ll admit to some holiday indulgences, but plan to run three miles tomorrow and schedule another race at the end of the month.  I won’t go back to being fat, and the group really helps.  If you’re interested for yourself, please email me.  That change in me and how I feel about myself if by far the most significant change for me personally this year.  I entered 2012 an obese man with high blood pressure.  I enter 2013 in the best shape of my adult life itching to run a 5k.  I owe that to the group, to my family for their support, and to that little voice inside my head that keeps reminding me of what it’s like to look in the mirror and be disgusted.  I’m in a way better place and that all started January 2 of 2012.

But, there was a whole year to come!  So, what happened this year?

I visited Indianapolis with the wife this summer; Great city.  I did a number of columns on the craft beer scene there and the city in general.  I really liked it and did not expect to.

I also visited Aurora, Colorado.  A week after the shootings.  It was a very interesting visit.  I did another craft beer tour and enjoyed it a great deal.    I saw Roller Derby with my friend Sonic Death Monkey, and wrote about that.  Aurora and Denver were very cool and I’d like to go again.  The shadow of the Dark Knight tragedy hung in the air there in a very palpable way. 

On a delightful trip to NYC in the Spring, I both met Pulitzer Prize winning composer Ned Rorem and saw the Book of Mormon.  Both were amazing experiences.  Ned wanted to hear all about my writing.

This summer we took the whole family to see a live performance of A Prairie Home Companion.  We’ve loved the show for years and finally got to be part of the live crowd at Wolftrap.  That was a great night.  The kids dancing on the lawn to the “Powder Milk Biscuit” song was worth the price of admission alone

I watched a lot of youth Soccer, and rugby and Tae Kwon Do.  And tumbling.  The bear tumbled.  She does that a lot now.

 

I went to a ton of kid birthday parties.

We threw a few adult dinner parties.  Parent’s night out at our Church can’t come often enough. 

We watched the Bear cross the bridge at preschool.  And start Kindergarten.

Went to Connecticut with the family, where despite Homewood Suites attempts to give me coronary, we had a successful visit in a hotel, our first since the Thanksgiving incident of 2011.

I took the Boyo to Wildwood.  Just him and me.  We rode and ate everything.  I embraced the power of yes.  He loved it and can’t wait to go back.  I can’t wait either.

I cooked a ton of stuff this year.  Highlights: Several Turkeys, several Hams, a heap of Kalua Pigs, a fair amount of Avocado Ahi Poke’, bunch of soups, and a whole lot of other things.  Doing a Hawaiian Luau tomorrow for New Years.  Kailua Pig, Cabbage, Edamame, Macadamia nut everything, maybe a tofu Poke’, some pineapple, and Kona Longboard.  Wearing my Kukui nut lei too, because I can.

 

I hope they run “The Eddie” this year on the North Shore.  I’m missing the island and feel very much like that would help.

This was a bad year for professional sports in our house.  The Phillies stunk.  The Eagles stunk worse.  The Buckeyes were good but banned from postseason play.  And the Flyers aren’t yet allowed to play.  Dark days indeed.  I’m hopeful they will end the NHL lockout soon as the Boyo and I need our hockey something fierce.  We very much enjoyed the Olympics though.  A lot of fun moments there and the Boyo still points out Michael Phelps every time we go into Subway, which I appreciate as they also have a picture of the Redskins RG3, which he pointedly ignores, as per his training as a Philadelphia Sports fanatic.  I’m very proud. 

I finally fit into my lederhosen.  Owned them for almost two years but finally got to wear them as I enjoyed the 15^th Annual Cleveland Oktoberfest with my guys.  That’s all I have to say about that, as what happens at Oktoberfest…oh, but I did run the 5k at the fest and did a personal record at the time.

I was asked to teach Sunday school to the 13 year old class at church.  I agreed for a variety of reasons.  We’re committed to the church but I also, for me, wanted to know if I had anything left in the tank as a teacher.  It’s been over a decade since I was a classroom teacher, and I guess I wanted to know if I still had it.  I know now.

 

And, at the end of all the discussions, columns, and other assorted chatting on the topic, I ended up going back to work.  Not as a teacher and not as a Vice Principal, Athletic director, or even Dean of Students.  I went back to work as a server/bartender at George Washington’s house.  It’s part time and flexible, as restaurant work has (gratefully) always been for me.  After years of wondering, in the end, I just didn’t want to go back to a job that would make me miss things like volunteering for Field Day, or helping out in the library, or going on a field trip.  Or wearing my colonial garb to the twins’ classes to discuss holiday traditions in Colonial America.  One of the best comments I got all year was from one of the twins’ classmates who tapped me on the shoulder and said, “I feel like I see you here every day!”  While I’m not there daily, it made me feel good to know that they know who I am, and that I care about helping out in their classes.  I don’t want a job that keeps me from doing those things for the kids.  And I don’t need it for my ego.  I’m quite content being a bartender/server who volunteers at the kid’s school.  I mean, I get to wear tights at work…But I know its growth for me, as there were years that my priorities were different.  Hawaii cured me of a lot of that, and I feel even better about my choices now, with the life we have, challenges and all.

We watched a decent amount of TV this year.  “Downton Abbey” was awesome.  Can’t wait until the next season. “Louie” on FX may have been the best thing on TV this year.  Louis CK is a fierce comic who I’ve always been a fan of, but this show he’s put together over the last few seasons is truly brilliant.   “Game of Thrones,”  “Boardwalk Empire,” “The Walking Dead” were all very good too.  “Doctor Who” and “Merlin” on BBC have been good, and the history Channel’s “Mankind” series was well done also. 

I read a lot of books this year.  I discovered the work of Cleveland’s own John Scalzi, beginning with “Old Man’s War.”  Read and enjoyed all of his work before discovering and devouring the first two books in Justin Cronin’s “The Passage” Trilogy.  Eeesh they were awesome.  Cronin writes in a way that is intimidating to me as someone who likes to write and aspires to write something that people want to read.  “The Book Thief,” by Markus Zusak and “The Descendants” by Kaui Hart Hemmings were both good too.  I really enjoyed Colin Meloy of “The Decemberists” second novel in the “Wildwood” trilogy “Under Wildwood.”

I have worked on a number of projects of my own this year.  I made a great deal of progress with “The Last Good Day” which was my “NaNoWriMo” project.  I have a full outline and loads of notes and plan to dive back into it in the New Year.  If you’re interested in being a beta-reader for the early chapters, please message me as I have some ready for review.  I’ve neglected the blog a bit since the summer.  Sorry.

I just got a ton of ITunes cards for Christmas, but looking over the music I’ve enjoyed this year, Bruce Springsteen’s “Wrecking Ball” and Mumford & Sons “Babel” were among the highlights for me this year.  I’ve liked a few tracks from the new Bruno Mars album, and John Mayer’s “Born and Raised” has been a nice listen.  Fell in love with Allison Kraus and Union Station this year a bit; The Black Keyes too.  “Gold on the Ceiling” may be my new favorite song of the year. 

Through my genealogical research and packing up Grammy’s basement and finding it, I now have a picture of my great-grandmother.  It’s been the elusive piece of 20 years of research. 

I didn’t see a ton of movies this year, you know, having kids and all, but “The Avengers” was good, as was “The Hunger Games.”  “Lincoln” was amazing.  “Silver Linings Playbook” was fun too.  “Argo” was surprisingly good.  I would have enjoyed “Django Unchained” even more if some guy in the theater hadn’t decided to make it all about himself screaming at the screen every time a character used a particular racial term.  Haven’t seen “Skyfall,” “Perks of Being a Wallflower,”  “Zero Dark Thirty,” “Hobbit” or “Les Mis” yet, but I will.  “Ted” was funny.  I am excited to see Disney purchased Star Wars. 

In reviewing the year, it seems a lot of interesting people died.  While it’s not exhaustive, they included: Daniel Inouye, Andy Williams, Michael Clarke Duncan, Adam “MCA” Yauch, Neil Armstrong, “Sweathogs” Robert Hegyes and Ron Palillo, Gore Vidal, Sherman Hemsley, Ernest Borgnine, Ray Bradbury, Richard Dawson, Donna Summer, Levon Helm, Dick Clark, Davy Jones, Dave Brubeck, Donald “Duck” Dunn, Whitney Houston, Don Cornelius, and Etta James.

Also, there were losses closer to home, friends from HHS, Vanessa and Alex.  I’ve thought a lot about them and their families tonight as they start a new year.  I hope and pray they are well.

Outside of all of the above, I am hopeful for the New Year.  While there have been horrible life-altering events this year, including Newtown, Aurora, Sandy, and crisis after crisis across the world, I am hopeful for this New Year.

I know more about Asperger’s and about Mood disorders than I did a year ago.  Imagine where I’ll be in a year.

I know more about how to live a healthy and fit life by being a “Loser.”

I know that there are things that I’m good at and there are things that I like to do and while they are not always the same, there is a balance to be found for all of those things somewhere in the middle, and that’s my goal for the New Year: to have better balance.

That, and have the hockey come back and Flyers win the Stanley Cup, the Phillies surge forth and win another World Series and take the kids to see a bunch of games, and go to Wildwood with the family and ride the Ferris wheel, and maybe finish this book that I’m writing and get it published to rave reviews and huge sales, and maybe have the Eagles make a playoff run and the Buckeyes drive towards a national championship. 

But, I’ll settle for better balance.  In the end, that’s quite likely the more responsible wish. 

And I celebrated my 20^th year together with my wife.  13 years married and two decades together have taught me one very, very true thing: Marrying her was the best thing I ever did, and our partnership is the greatest enterprise I’ve ever been a part of. 

In fact, it’s among the most clear and present indicators that God is present in my life in a very real, cogent, and visceral manner. 

I make no apologies for marrying well.

Happy New Year.